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Thursday, March 31, 2011

The High Chair

So we have a "family heirloom" high chair. It is probably more than 60 years old. My dad and all of his brothers and sisters used it, many of my cousins, and my brother, sister and I used it too. I love sentimental things like that and it has always been my dream to use my high chair, from when I was a baby, for my baby. My parents brought it over a very long time ago, before Jack was born.

At the beginning of February I decided to try it with Jack and I was so excited! Here's what happened...
First everything was great...

Then he started sliding...

And sliding, and sliding...

I turned to put the camera down and poor little Jack was screaming and sliding farther and farther out of his 60 year old family heirloom high chair! Needless to say, the family heirloom is not equipped with any straps and the tray doesn't latch and you can shove the try right off that high chair! I was determined to make my dream come true of using my high chair for my baby. I tired everything to get my baby to stick in that high chair, but nothing worked out, and I quickly realized that it wasn't safe anymore.  The Bumbo and tray were working out fine, but he was starting to tip the Bumbo and his legs were starting to get stuck in the little holes. At least I know your growing Jack! 

So over the weekend I got to make a trip to Babies R Us (all alone, it was fantastic) and bought our baby boy a brand new high chair! Jack has been enjoying eating and playing in his new high chair. We even pull it up to the "big" table when we eat and have "family" dinners!

First "seating" in high chair...I think he likes it!

He is fascinated with cups lately. He will take any cup off of a table and try to put it to his mouth, no matter what it is filled with. He likes to chew on them and yell into them! We have been practicing taking tiny sips of water and he's digging it...

Best toy ever!
Happily awaiting dinner, playing with the cup!


This is hysterical and I had to share it! He is yelling into his cup with his low raspy voice! He does this all the time! Sometimes it makes him laugh, then he giggles into his cup...too cute and very funny! I hope it make you laugh as much as it did my husband and I!

And while I was making formula this morning and learning how to post a video, this happened...
My...
Sweet...
Boy!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Surgery and the Days Following

There we were, very early on Saturday morning waiting in the surgical waiting room at St. Francis Hospital in Peoria. Yes, we were waiting for our baby to come out of surgery. The doctors had prepared us for a worse case scenario and best case scenario. Honestly, they did not seem to have a very promising outlook for our little boy. They kept asking permission to do various procedures on our baby. We kept saying what ever it takes, just make our baby better.

I cried the whole time he was in surgery, in a wheelchair, in the OR waiting room. I was shaking, I could not eat or drink. What was happening to us? This kind of thing does not happen to people like us? We don't have tragedies in our families. This is the stuff you see on TV or a made for TV movie, not my life, no way.  It's all a dream...a nightmare.

I don't remember how long surgery was, but it was long enough. I know it started at about 8:00 in the morning. I was so relieved when the surgeon finally came out and got us. Matt and I and our parents crammed in a small conference room and we all listened intently on what the surgeon had to say. He said Jack tolerated surgery well and was getting ready to go back to the NICU. He told us what he found wasn't the best, but wasn't the worst either. He had to remove about half of Jack's small intestine and saw that some of his large intestine had been compromised as well. Our poor surgeon was drilled with questions from the six of us, but he was patient, and very good at explaining everything. He taught us about the amazing human body and how you could live with half of almost every organ.

However, he also told us that the next 72 hours would be crucial for Jack. It would be a waiting game. A very long, bedside vigil, waiting game. Jack was still very sick and critical. He was given an ostomy in surgery, where a small part of his intestine came out of his stomach so that his intestines could rest and heal. A broviac catheter, or central line, was placed in Jack's chest. He was going to need something more permanent than an IV to be given TPN, intravenous nutrition. He still had a replogle tube and many IV's, he even had an IV in his head for a while. He had to be given blood and was on a very high dose of pain medicine.

Our hearts were broken when we got back to the NICU to watch our son recover from surgery. He was so small to have gone through all that he did. His little face was so pained. But he was a red head like my husband and I both. That means he inherited some wonderful personality traits from his proud parents, like being stubborn and ornery. He was going to prove all of the doctors wrong. I knew it...I knew in my heart that he was going to be ok, he could do this. It was all in God's hands now. There was nothing we could do but wait and pray...and I have never prayed harder in my life!

Matt and I quickly became medical experts. We were constantly asking about his blood tests and X-Rays. Was he breathing over the vent yet? What was his white count? We were constantly asking questions and calling the nurses over to Jack's bed. We were always asking if "such and such" was normal and telling the nurses about changes that we saw in our baby.

We were now living in Peoria, out of a hotel as close to the hospital as we could get. When we left the hospital we always made sure the nurses knew where we were going and how to get a hold of us. Our cell phones were always on the loudest ringer and in our hands.

We went to rounds every morning, armed with tissues, where the doctors would tell us what was going on with our baby and what the plan for the day/week was. It was hard. The doctors were grim. I wanted to keep it together in front of the doctors so badly, but I couldn't. There were many, many tears shed between my husband and myself, but not in front of Jack, we had to be strong for him.

We constantly told Jack over, and over, and over again to be tough for us, be strong, that we loved him so very much. I kissed his hands every time I had to leave him so that I could "be there" in case he needed me. We were the only people he knew, the only voices, the only touches that were familiar to him. The only ones that loved him more than anything in the world even though he was only with us for a few short days.

Even though this was so hard and so scary for us, it was harder and scarier for our little baby boy who just wanted to be with his Mommy and Daddy, who was the enduring the fight of his life.

When You're Smiling

I just wanted to share some pictures of the smiliest baby in town! Jack, you have been such a happy little baby lately, nothing can get you down! We are constantly stopped at stores, restaurants, church, even when we are out for walks, by people who comment on your sweet, contagious smile. You can brighten the darkest of days. I truly feel that you were put here to make other people smile, to make their day! You are definitely doing you job little boy! Keep smiling and the whole world will smile with you!
Smiling because your home from the NICU for Halloween!
Smiling because Auntie is coming to visit!
Just smiling because that's what you do best!
Smiling because you're hanging out with mom on a snowy day, and there's nothing else to do but cuddle!
Smiling because you get to watch football with daddy!

Learning to smile for the camera!
Smiling because you can sit up almost all by yourself!
Smiling for blueberries, yummy!
Smiling because you're finally outside!
Smiling because you're prepared for summer in your new hat!
Smiling because you are learning to be on all fours and will soon be crawling!

Jack Matthew, when you smile, my heart skips a beat and all of my troubles melt away. I wish time would slow down. I look forward to every morning, you always greet me with grin from ear to ear! I never want forget the feeling that I get when I see that sweet smiling face of yours. You are amazing. I love you Jack Matthew, more than you will ever know! XO Mommy



When you're smilin'....keep on smilin'
The whole world smiles with you
And when you're laughin'....keep on laughin'
The sun comes shinin' through

But when you're cryin'.... you bring on the rain
So stop your frownin'....be happy again
Cause when you're smilin'....keep on smilin'
The whole world smiles with you

Oh when you're smilin'....keep on smilin'
The whole world smiles with you
Ah when you're laughin'....keep on laughin'
The sun comes shinin' through

Now when you're cryin'.... you bring on the rain
So stop that sighin'....be happy again
Cause when you're smilin'....just keep on smilin'
And the whole world gonna smile with

The great big world will smile with

The whole wide world will smile with you

-Louis Armstrong, The Whole World Smiles With You

Monday, March 28, 2011

Our Nightmare

The sky seemed more blue and the grass seemed to be more green. Everything was just a little sweeter with Jack Matthew in our lives. I spent the week admiring my beautiful little baby and taking in all of his little details...he had a little swirl of blond hair in the middle of his forehead right between his eyebrows. Wow, did this little boy look just like his daddy! But we did decide that he had my mouth. It was such an amazing time, now if only we could get him home where he belongs.

Matt returned to work for a few days here and there so he could spend more time home with us when Jack did come home. My parents took me down to Peoria on Friday morning, spent a little time with Jack and I, then I got to spend some alone time with my little man, then daddy came down.

Jack was now in an open air crib and wearing clothes. He was moved to a room with less critical babies and was just learning to suck properly so he could eat and gain weight. The nurses in the NICU were amazing. They helped us feel as much like a mom and dad as they could. They asked us to change diapers and take the baby's temperature. We even fed him. That night, we made sure we were there to do all the things we could for his 8:30 "feeding". I don't really remember the exact sequence of events, but I know I fed him and started to change his diaper. He spit up, then spit up a lot, then spit up out his nose...I was getting nervous, this was still all so new to me, but I knew that wasn't quite right. I called the nurse over. I changed his diaper, it was a funny color, tinted orangeish-red. I called the nurse over. She called other nurses over...They checked his belly for aspirate, or leftover food, through his NG tube, she pulled out what seemed like 10 syringes full of formula from his little belly, it could have been more...I knew in my gut that wasn't good.

Before we knew it, we were standing watching a flurry of activity going on around us with many, many doctors, nurses, surgeons, respiratory therapists, x-ray technicians, etc. working on our baby boy. I remember exactly where my husband and I were standing in the NICU. We had no idea what was going on but we knew something was wrong, very wrong. I remember the on call doctor coming in. It seemed like he came from home with his Illini t-shirt, jeans and slippers on. He immediately attended to Jack. We stood there, panicked, and waited to hear what the doctor had to say. None of the nurses would tell us anything. Jack was quickly put in a warmer bed so the doctors and nurses could more easily do their job.

Matt and I were keeping it together pretty good for not knowing what was going on. We were in complete shock that this was happening to our baby...he was fine all day! Finally the doctor came over to us. He had a look of concern on his face. He introduced himself to us, and told us that our son had a serious infection called necrotizing enteracolitis. I remember him telling us that Jack might have to have surgery that night and him telling us a few other things about what was happening with our son. Basically, necrotizing entracolitis, referred to as NEC, is a sort of virus that "eats" away at the intestines. He said that Jack had a lot of his intestines compromised. We asked him what this all meant and I will never, ever forget what he said..."Well, you can't live without your intestines". That was his way of telling us that our baby might not make it. I guess you could say that Matt and I lost it, right then and there.

Eventually, Jack was "stabilized", and the rushing around calmed down. He was in very critical condition. He was put on a ventilator because his tummy was so swollen it was pushing on his lungs and diaphragm and he couldn't breathe. He had a lot of IV's and was getting many strong antibiotics. He was having x-rays and labs every hour. He was on pretty strong pain medicine. His NG tube was replaced with a replogle tube that suctioned all of the bad stuff from his stomach. His little body was almost lifeless except for his little face wincing in pain every once and while. His face looked like a crying baby, but there was no noise because of the ventilator. He was so sick and in so much pain. I wanted nothing more than for it to be me lying there. We just wanted to hold him and comfort him. But now we could hardly touch our very fragile little boy.

Our very sick little baby boy.

We could only put out finger in his hand to touch him. Even though he was so sick, he was still able to grip our fingers. 


Why did this happen to him? To us? Why couldn't it have happened to me instead. He doesn't deserve this! So many things ran through our heads. And yes, of course I blamed myself, that I did something wrong during the pregnancy. If only I could have stayed on bed rest longer, this wouldn't have happened. His pain was our pain, and we were in a lot of it. We basically stood vigil at his bed that night until the surgeons could come in the morning and see what they were dealing with.

We spend the night in the NICU family room, right down the hall from out baby who was fighting for his life. The nurses told us that it was going to be a long couple of days and that we needed to get some rest. I remember not really sleeping that night. I would wake up gasping for air every time I fell asleep. I just wanted to be with my baby and comfort him, to let him know that his mommy was there. I wanted to kiss it and make it better, but I knew I needed to rely on the doctors for that.

I remember my husband not being able to keep it together anymore when he laid his eyes on our baby. I told him he could no longer cry around Jack, that we had to be positive and strong for him. We talked to him, sang to him, told him to be a fighter, be strong, and told him repeatedly how much we loved him.

We were with him very early the next morning and the doctors said that Jack was immediately going to surgery. We went with him as far as we could go and quickly met the surgeon, anestheologist and nurse. Everyone kept asking us if this was our first baby.

And then the painful wait for news on the little love of our life...

This is a very personal experience that I am sharing. It has taken me many days to get up the courage to write this down. I constantly have flashbacks of this night and have shed many, many tears while writing this. These memories are fuzzy because of the stress we endured that night. Our thoughts were with our baby and no where else. I am hoping that if I get these thought out of my head, they will finally stop haunting me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

And We Meet Again

Our new baby boy was finally here and we couldn't be more excited. The nurse and respiratory therapist that flew with you said you slept the whole flight! While I spent the next day and a half recovering, my husband spent time driving back and forth from home to Peoria. He brought me the camera filled with pictures and quickly visited me before taking off to Peoria again. He was so excited to have a little boy! Matt said that when he first arrived in Peoria the nurses didn't even have to ask him who he was there to visit because Jack looked so much like his daddy!
One proud papa the night you were born and your little corner of the NICU.
Daddy was a little nervous...can you tell? And you were so tiny!

Jack was born late Saturday afternoon...they told me they couldn't even think about discharging me until I could walk around. So Sunday evening I got up and walked the halls. I packed my bags Monday morning myself, ate lunch, got my last dose of pain meds and my husband and I were off to Peoria to be together as a family. I was overcome with anticipation, joy and excitement. As we got closer my heart started to beat faster and tears of joy filled my eyes. I could not contain myself and thought I was going to jump out of my skin!

It took forever to finally reach the NICU, neonatal intensive care unit, I still couldn't run in to meet my baby...I had to sign some papers and do the infamous "2 minute scrub", something I eventually became very familiar with. Finally, I very slowly walked through the maze of isolettes, ventilators and tiny little cribs to see my perfect little baby tucked in a corner, nice and warm in his own little isolette. The nurse came over to tell me what everything was and how our son was doing. But still, I just wanted to hold my baby. Finally, the nurse took him out of his little isolette, wrapped him in warm blankets and placed him in my arms. I could not take my eyes off of him for one second, I had only been able to dream of this moment. We made his little corner nice and dark and he opened his eyes and looked up at me while wrinkling his little forehead. He looked like a sweet little old man that already held all of the wisdom to the world. All of the pain was gone and I wanted to stay in this moment forever, just the three of us.
Together again, after three days, just the three of us!

This is the image I can't get out of my head when I think about the first time we met. 
You still give this look today!

Jack was hooked up to monitors and had a few IV's running. He was no longer on any oxygen and was being given fluids and antibiotics just for precautions. He had an NG tube that went into his nose or mouth to his tummy so that he could be given milk. Jack was born at almost 32 weeks and babies do not develop their suck reflex until about 36 weeks. He was given the opportunity to eat by mouth, but it really wore him out, so the remainder of his feedings were fed to him through his NG tube by gravity. The doctors told us that our baby just had to learn to eat and then he could go home. Their estimation on our stay in the NICU was about two-three weeks, which seemed like an eternity when we thought about it.
You in your little isolette and me figuring things out.
Your little arm all wrapped up so you didn't pull your IV's out.


The rest of the week is pretty hazy to me, but here is what I do remember...
  • Traveling a lot back and forth from Ottawa to Peoria and spending nights in cheap hotels with not nearly enough pillows to keep me comfortable post op.
  • Crying a whole lot...partially because I was missing my baby, partially just because.
  • Having my first beer post-partum outside with the neighbors! It was fantastic!
  • Having a very active little baby that liked to be swaddled with his arms out.
  • The glow of the Billy lights from the other babies.
  • The alarms from all of the monitors and baby life saving equipment and just the other noises of the NICU in general. Little did I know, but I would later learn what every alarm meant.
  • Thinking my baby was so big compared to all the other babies, and really he was! Most other babies born around his gestation were closer to three pounds!
  • Trying not to look at the other babies...some were so sick and tiny, we were so grateful...
  • Learning the ropes of the NICU, some parents had been there so long with their little ones.
  • Meeting wonderful, wonderful nurses and other mom's.
  • Fighting through the pain so I could see my baby and hold him.
  • The pumping room and pumping...and being very proud of my first milk!
  • Jack getting a lot of attention for his red hair!
  • Learning what "rounds" were. 
  • Meeting the feeding therapist and learning the tricks to make my baby eat orally.
  • Discussing the possibility of transferring our baby back to Ottawa to learn to eat because he was doing so well!
  • Being nervous about not having a nursery ready or any baby "stuff" in the house!
  • Doctors and nurses talking about the "new unit" opening in August and us being so grateful that we would not have to see that, but feeling fortunate that it was so close to us. 
  • Jack controlling his own body heat and being moved out of the isolette to an open air crib!
  • Moving from room one, where babies are admitted and critical babies are kept, to room three, where babies that were much less critical were. 
  • "Two minute scrubs" being the longest two minutes in the world!
  • Hospital food...need I say more?
  • Making Matt wheel me everywhere because I was in SO much pain!
  • Being uncomfortable and hungry while I was holding Jack, but dealing with it because I did not want to "put him away". 
  • Asking the nurses if I could hold my own baby and then asking for help to but him back.
  • Finding the best chairs to sit in to keep my baby company...they were office chairs. 
  • Seeing Jack finally in clothes!
A precious picture that shows just how tiny you were compared to daddy's hand!

I remember that week being very happy and joyful and stressful at the same time. There were lots of phone calls to spread the good news. We had never been happier! I remember just wanting to be with my little perfect Jack with those big eyes, wrinkled forehead and round head every second of every day. After all, I did a lot of waiting for this little man!  Little did we know, but our stay in the NICU would be much, much longer that our doctors predicted. Our world was going to soon come crashing down all round us and our dreams would turn to nightmares...and there would be nothing we could do about it but wait...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

And Then There Were Three

So I spent my days in the hospital daydreaming about what it would be like to be a mom, what my new baby would look like, how my husband would act while I was in labor and how he would be with a new baby, and what labor would be like. I had it all planned out, I mean, I had the time to plan everything out, right? I listened to many other women give birth to their babies, their families come to visit, and then take their little precious bundles of joy home. It seemed like my day would never come...

Poor Matt had cancelled all of his summer plans due to our situation. Summer truly is our favorite time of year and we stuff it full of lots of fun things to do, but this things were a little different. There were many times when I told Matt to go off and have fun, but then some sort of medical emergency would come up and he had to cancel. But not this time...Early in the week Matt asked me if he could go to a golf outing the upcoming weekend. I said that sounded OK, it would probably be the last thing he would do before the baby came. Matt came for a quick visit early in the morning and off he went golfing. We made a deal that I would let him enjoy his day and only call for a real emergency. I remember being very emotional and feeling pretty lonely that day. It was a beautiful summer day and they only way I could enjoy it was by looking out the window.

 It was a pretty typical morning at the hospital for me. My doctor was the on-call doc for the weekend so he came in and checked me. He said that I was still dilated to a two and he thought the baby would come in the next couple of days...Wow! I was so excited, still scared and unprepared! My day was going to be here soon! I remember spending some time hugging my belly and extra enjoying the hiccups and kicks my little one was making.

I didn't get to shower in the morning, I really didn't feel like it. I was feeling very tired and the pain was getting more intense. I didn't even eat much of a breakfast. The floor must have been slow that day because my nurse spent a lot of time with me just small talking in my room. Honestly, I wasn't really up for company. I didn't even have the TV on or use the computer. I had been breathing through contractions for a couple of days and was really using those techniques today. Finally, I asked for something for the pain around lunch, and they gave me two tylenol and warm packs for my back!

3:00 is shift change at our hospital. In walks my nurse and the one that was going to take over. They decided to check me, I think because of the way I was acting. The first nurse checked me and had a sort of panicked look on her face...she made the second nurse check me and then had that same look on her face and she said something like "Call the team" and "Where's the dad at? Get him here"! My doctor was there in a flash and he checked me and said that something kicked him...I was dilated to a seven!

So, my day was finally here, I was going to meet my baby. The details are fuzzy because it all happened so fast, but here is what I recall.

The next thing I know they were throwing a gown on me and making me sign all sorts of papers. My mother-in-law stopped my for a visit in the middle of the chaos and tried to calm me down, but there was no calming down! I was calling, and calling and calling my husband...this was an emergency and he wasn't answering his phone!!!! So my mil tracked down my hubby via his uncle that he was golfing with. It took some persuasion from his uncle to convince him that, yes, I really was going to have this baby asap and to get to the hospital stat!

There was scurrying all about mu hospital room and I felt a sense of urgency and a little panic in the air. I have never been so scared in my life and my husband was not there at my side. I was waiting for the anestheiologist to come and scurry in my room for my spinal, but no...this was an emergency c-section. I was going to be put under, which I didn't really know until I was in the OR. The doctor was afraid that if I sat up for a spinal the baby could get stuck and become oxygen deprived.

There I was now lying in the OR with the "gas mask" aver my face. Now that I knew I had to be asleep for this, I couldn't let myself go, I was so scared...scared for surgery and the baby both. Then I thought to myself "Just go to sleep and when you wake up you will have your baby". I heard someone shout "Dad's here" and then I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up in recovery and was in so much pain, it was ridiculous! I remember the nurse kept having to press on my belly to check for something and it was so incredibly painful. I remember asking the nurse if it was a girl or a boy and she wouldn't tell me, she wanted my husband to, but they wouldn't let him come in to see me yet. Finally he was allowed in and I have never been happier in my whole entire life to see him...he comforted me though my pain and told me we had a baby boy with red hair and ten fingers and ten toes. Then he told me he was going to Peoria just as a precaution. I couldn't hold back the tears and it hurt so bad to cry.

It took what seemed like and eternity, but finally I got to meet my baby before he was flown to Peoria. They took him out of the little travel incubator and put him on my chest. I remember being overcome with joy and love and concern. I wanted to hold him forever and never let him go. I had waited so long for this moment and it was over so quickly, about a minute.  Matt and I quickly discussed names and decided on Jack Matthew. He was so pink and had a full head of red hair - which seemed curly at the time. I kissed him goodbye and told him to behave and off he flew down to Peoria with proud papa right behind the helicopter.

I was back in my room and my parents and in-laws were there waiting for me. I really don't remember much but holding my parent's hands. I spent the night loving my morphine drip. I was so anxious to get out of there and spend time with my new baby that it felt that I didn't sleep. I was also concerned about him...I was so out of it and didn't comprehend anything that was going on.

So Jack Matthew, you were born on a hot summer Saturday, July 17th, at 4:14pm, 5 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches long. You were born at 31 weeks and 5 days according to my doctor. You were absolutely perfect in every way and I have never seen your daddy smile the way he did the day you were born. I instantly fell head over heels in love with you and my heart was overflowing with joy, just as it is while I'm writing this.

Minutes after you were born at Ottawa Hospital

Our first family portrait
One proud Papa, fresh off the golf course!
The first time we met...I will never forget that moment.

As I wrote this tonight my eyes filled with tears and my heart with joy. That day and every day have been special since you entered the world. I am so proud to be your mommy no matter what lies ahead of us!

"The sun does not shine for a few trees and flowers, but for the wide world's joy." Henry Ward Beecher

Monday, March 21, 2011

Room with a View Please

Finally we are home and on bed rest. But it doesn't matter that I'm n bed rest because I'm home! I have never ever in my life been so grateful to be at home! The smell, the sounds, the comfort of home...I never care to leave it ever again...but my doctor wanted to see me before he went on vacation, so after being home for a day and a half, I went to see him.

Again, I was having contractions very steadily and frequently and I was dilated again to a two! You know it's bad when the nurse offers you water in the doctors office. So again, his nurse wheeled me over to the ER and I was again admitted to the OB in Ottawa. My doctor said all I needed was fluids, even though I was drinking enough water to put our town into a drought, and that I could go home after a good course of fluids. I thought I would be back home in my bed be night time. Boy was I wrong!

My contractions kept going strong and I was again put on my favorite lovely anti-labor med that made me all nice and hot. But the popsicles were great and the nurses were able to get me a wonderful fan. I had killer back pains, but said no to the heating pad because it made me too hot. I did not even have to wear a hospital gown because I was now a "regular" in the OB. I called Matt and said don't rush, I think I'm going to be here a while....

So the goal was still to make it to 36 weeks. I was now 30 weeks and 2 days...every day really does count. The decision was made to keep me in the hospital on bed rest until the baby came, this way they could monitor my contractions and the baby and keep me on wonderful anti-labor drugs as needed. I was constantly given shots in the arm to try to keep labor at bay...but they didn't work all that well. They even woke me up in the middle of the night to give me these silly shots when my contractions increased.

So, this is what I remember from being on bed rest in the hospital...

  • Outstanding nurses. I never wanted them to leave my room, they were such great company.
  • Moving to a room with a private shower...Yea!
  • Making sure I showered whenever my nurses would let me because I never knew when I my last shower would be!
  • Matt bringing me dinner because the hospital food was dreadful! He also brought me ice cream that I could leave in the freezer and the nurses would bring it to me when I "needed" it.
  • Watching lots, and lots of TV...American Pickers, Today, Oprah, Wipeout, Wheel of Fortune
  • Being able to hear Matt's shoes coming down the hall and knowing that it was him before he got to my room and having the nurses buzz him out so he didn't set off the alarm.
  • Going through the baby name book with Matt and picking out the perfect names for our baby...and laughing out loud at some of the crazy names!
  • Really missing my dog and the summer.
  • Telling Matt that if the baby did have to go to Peoria for any reason to go with it no matter what.
  • Calling Matt and asking him to leave work early because it really hurt!
  • An amazing nurse that gave me back rubs.
  • Telling my sister that it hurt too bad and I couldn't visit with her.
  • Having Matt rub my back every night and him complaining that it hurt! Ha!
  • Being able to order off of the employee menu because I was there so long.
  • Listening to other women in labor...Can you please shut my door?
  • Coming to terms with the fact that this baby was going to come early...just how early was the question.
  • Having my in-laws finish the baby room. 
  • Being scared to death of labor...We never got to take the class and I never read that part of the book!
  • Counting down that days, again, until 36 weeks.
  • Having countless ultrasounds to check on the baby, guessing it's weight, and praying that it was not still breech.
So this was my life for another six weeks, hopefully. Lot's of TV, no sitting up, loving visitors when I was feeling up to them, and anxiously awaiting the arrival of my husband every night. I remember always making him hug me because I missed human contact. Those were the best hugs. Now we just had to wait it out to hug our baby.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Thanks

I just want to thank everyone for all of the support and comments on my new journey of blogging. I think it's so important to share our journey. So many people are still praying for us and wondering how we are doing and this is a great way to share that information. I also feel like I am doing something for a cause...I want to be an advocate, a voice, and create awareness. I also want to inspire people to let them know that they can do anything they set out to do and to not let anything drag you down in life, even when things get really, really hard...harder than you have every imagined.

Writing these thoughts and memories down has been such an outlet for me. I am still dealing with not having a "normal" pregnancy, not being able to bring my new baby home "normally" and having a baby with special needs. Having a preemie is much harder than people think it is, and even though he is home, there are many issues that seem to slap us in the face constantly. For example, we were waiting in the doctors office the other day and a brand new baby was crying...I've never heard Jack's brand new baby cry, and when I did, it was all raspy and rough from being on the ventilator. But now I hear him cry, and every time I do I am thankful for his still rough, raspy, deep cry.

Thank you for being my outlet and letting me share our very special journey with you! I hope you can take something away from our experience!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

8 Months Already?

Yes Jack, today you are 8 months old! Time really does fly and I can't believe how fast it is flying! Here is a bit about you right now...

  • You are now 16 lbs 4 oz and 26 inches long! You still wear 6 month clothes, but they are quickly getting too short for you. I put a 9 month outfit on you the other day and you swam in it. I love dressing you in your little man outfits.
  • We now go to the Doctor once every other week instead of every week and are very slowly starting to wean your tube feedings. This is VERY exciting.
  • You suffer from severe diaper rash almost constantly.
  • You wake up around 6:30 or so but can occupy yourself in your crib for about an hour before crying. And you sleep through the night, pretty much always have. If you wake up, somethings up.
  • You love your bottles and "real" food too. You pretty much eat everything I feed you. You are not real crazy about peas, but take them with fruit. Your favorite foods are avocado and bananas. I have started to give you cantaloupe in a teether and you go crazy for that! And I am still making all of your baby food and plan to keep it up.
  • You are happiest and all smiles in the morning...it's my very favorite time with you!
  • You love your excersaucer...daddy and I call it your office because you are so busy playing in it all the time. 
  • You smile far much more than you cry and I think you know to smile for the camera now!
  • We recently starting to take trips to the park to swing and you love feeling the breeze on your face.
  • Everyone thinks you are 5 months old, but I set them straight.
  • You can sit up on your own!
  • You can roll from front to back and you hate being on your tummy except for naps.
  • You are easy to put to bed with a bottle and some rocking. You listen to daddy's lullaby mix at night and need your turtle on.
  • You are napping two to three times a day.
  • We read lots of books...Dr. Seuss and Sandra Boynton are our favorites.
  • I can always calm you down with a song and make you laugh with a dance...We sing Wheels on the Bus, Skidamirinkedink, Twinkle Twinkle, Old McDonald, Comin Round the Mountain are your favorites.
  • You are content sitting in the Bumbo playing in the mornings while I wash your bottles and make formula. We listen to Classic Rock and I sing songs to you.
  • I still get nervous when you cry and think something might really be wrong.
  • You have had your first cold and first flu.
  • You cry when you are tired, have a dirty diaper or want to eat. 
  • I started calling daycares and cried the moment I hung up the phone with them.
  • You like to play "Boo" and like when we make the "Piggy" noise for you.
  • You are such a good traveler and always fall asleep in the car, even on short trips!
  • We started swimming at the YMCA this month...you are pretty mellow in the water, not one for splashing like your mom!
  • You don't have a lot of babysitters, just Grandma's and Grandpa's very rarely. Daddy and I like to take you with us when we go places. You do dinner out just fine and love looking at all of the movement!
  • You have the sweetest giggle and are so very ticklish just like your daddy!
Going to the park has become a new favorite past time of ours.
You could stay in the stroller for ever.
You and daddy at the St. Pat's celebration in Utica.
I just love those cheeks!!!!!!
Excersauc-ing outside on St. Pat's Day
Swimming with mommy!


Not a day goes by that I don't think about the long road we have travelled together and all the people that have helped us get to where we are today. We are so very fortunate to have you in our lives and I am constantly grateful that you are here and home! I often think of our time together in the NICU, now my thoughts are with the families that are there and riding the crazy roller coaster. I also think about our nurses a great deal and hope they and their families are in good fortune. 

I love you more, and more, and more every day...I honestly can't get enough of you and your kissable cheeks! You are what makes my world go round!

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children" Bill Cosby

Monday, March 14, 2011

What is Antepartum Anyway?

After being wheeled through what seemed like the entire hospital on a gurney, I was in a labor and delivery room at St. Francis Hospital in Peoria because they had the recourse's to be able to take care of a tiny baby born too soon. I was way out of it by this time...but I remembered to ask for my "Life Flight" t-shirt and proudly wear it today! I saw many doctors, nurses and residents. Everyone seemed sure that the baby was going to come soon. I was so tired and not feeling well from all the meds they were giving me in hopes to stop labor. I couldn't watch TV because the motion and light made me sick. I had to lay on my left side and was not able to get out of bed or sit up at all! Yep, that means no showers and a bed pan! Matt arrived, but it seemed like it took him forever to get there. We were still scared. But here we were, sitting in a delivery room, hubby on a very uncomfortable cot next to me, camera in hand just in case.

So there we sat for three days, and no baby. I was able to once again ward off labor and keep our little bundle of joy in to get stronger. But, I was being transferred to a part of the hospital called antepartum. What is antepartum? Well, it's the place where all mommies in pre-term labor go to be monitored and given anti-labor meds until they are well enough to go home on bed rest, or they hit 36 weeks, or they deliver their babies.

There I was, in what seemed like pregnant lady jail. The room was very small and old and the TV was tiny. The bed was uncomfortable and I had no comtrol over the AC. Now I could shower once a day and get out of bed to use the bathroom...freedom! The only people I had contact with besides the nurses were ocassional visitors, FB friends and phone calls. But thank God I did have a private room so Matt could come and stay with me on the weekends.

I think I was there about eleven days or so...but that was a long 11 days! It was lonely and some of the meds that I was on made me feel spacey and groggy, so I didn't do much besides watch TV. Poor Matt had to watch his beloved Blackhawk's win the Stanley Cup on the tiny TV in my hospital room. We spent the 4th of July in the hospital, our favorite holiday. They let us out of our rooms to a large windowed area where we could watch the fireworks. We couldn't see them very well, but it was SO nice to be out of that room, and I really didn't want to go back!
4th of July, almost 30 weeks
Out of my room and ready for some fireworks! Excuse the bad hair. Couldn't stand long enough to blow it dry!
Matt choosing a movie for us to watch. 



I was still being monitored, occasionally having contractions, switched meds that I had to wake up twice in the middle of the night to take, and counting down the days until I got to 36 weeks.

On July 6th, my doctor checked my and said everything was shaping up! I went back to being dilated to a 1, my cervix was thickening and my water bag was no longer bulging, and my contractions were settling down. This meant I could GO HOME!

There truly is no place like home! Matt was so nervous to take me home. He made me recline in the car as far as I could and slowed down over every bump. I was now on only one anit-labor medicine and I was actually feeling pretty good. I was so excited to go home and shower and sleep in my bed, next to my husband...wow did I miss him!

Things I remember from Antepartum...

  • Chocolate shakes from the Spotted Cow
  • My sister visiting and bringing lunch and giving me a pedicure...I owe her!
  • Everyone commenting on my pedicure
  • Feeling very alone
  • Not wanting visitors to leave
  • Ambien, Prevacid, and Zofran
  • Sending Matt to find fruit and melting Baskin Robins 
  • Visits from the Main family and their kiddo making me laugh
  • Staring at the calendar that was at the foot of my bed
  • Wearing my new maternity clothes that I ordered from the Internet
  • Finishing my baby registry on-line
  • Warning TMI: Being told not to push to have a bowel movement!
  • Getting my IV out of my hand!
  • Canceling all of our summer plans...camping, concerts and the cabin
  • Visits from my family and my dad falling asleep
  • Watching LOST on Netflix
  • The "Craft Cart"
  • Every nurse swearing that I was having a boy and me saying no way, it's a girl!
  • Having a super long ultrasound and knowing that baby was still fine
  • Referring to baby as "Sweet Baby Shinnick"
Dorothy really has it right when she said "There's no place like home"!

Friday, March 11, 2011

It's a Great Day to Fly

So I was on bed rest for about two weeks. It was hard, especially because summer is my very favorite time of year and I am not really one to sit around during those summer days. It was finally a nice hot summer and not a lot of rain, so there were many perfect pool days. Matt would make me a spot on the pool deck and I was able to watch him and the dog swim a few times. I also had doctor appointments two to three times a week where I would have ultrasounds and was able to see the baby, which was always super exciting. My contractions were being monitored at home and I was having anywhere from 2-4 contractions an hour which was acceptable. Oh, and I was super depressed about not being able to decorate the nursery or get the house ready for a baby. I did a lot of online shopping!

I was on an anti-labor med given to me through a pump in my leg and that med made may heart race and made me feel very jittery. I remember stuttering when I would get my bolus doses. But my doctor assured me that every day the baby stayed in my belly would make it's journey into this world easier. I was told that I could go off of the meds and bed rest at 36 weeks. I was given two doses of steroids to help with the development of the baby's lungs just in case baby decided to make an early appearance.

So I was at a "routine" doctor's appointment...I had my ultrasound first, which I was of course excited for, and the baby looked good and active. Then she checked my cervix and seemed very concerned. I remember saying to her something like "That's not good, is it." I was dilated to a two, had no cervix, and a bulging bag of water plus crazy contractions! Suddenly I was in tears again and my doctor was giving me choices about what hospital I wanted to be admitted to that had a level three nursery. Apparently this baby was coming and I didn't have a choice about it! Now I was 28 weeks, still way to early to have this kid!

I was admitted to Ottawa Hospital again, through the ER...I went straight to a delivery room...while plans were made to admit me to OSF in Peoria. I remember calling my husband and he didn't understand the urgency in the situation. He said he was going to come home from work early, go home, change his clothes, and let the dog out...tell that to a pregnant woman in labor!

So at Ottawa Hospital I was put on a crazy high dose of anti-labor drugs that made me very hot and thirsty...and eventually nauseous. Oh, and the one that made me jittery too. I had to lay with my feet above my head so everything ran to my head and gave me a horrible headache.

So, hubby is there, holding my hand, and the nurses come in saying that my helicopter will be there shortly to take me to Peoria! What?!?! Can't my husband drive me or can't I take an ambulance instead (the doctor was honestly afraid that the jarring of a car ride would put me further into labor)? The seriousness of the situation finally set in and I was scared to death of so many things.  But I insisted that I was NOT going to have this baby yet. This is not what I planned and the baby room is not done yet...I haven't even had a baby shower, we have no "stuff"!

So my "bird" arrived to take me to Peoria and with it came an amazing flight crew who made me feel at ease with all of the going on's and just flying in general. It was a beautiful summer evening, not a cloud in the sky. Since I had to lay on my side, I was able to look out the window and take it all in. In an instant I was able to recognize landmarks and knew we were over my house. By that time my brother and hubby were in the driveway of my house and they were able to take a picture of the chopper that was taking me to "safety".

It was a beautiful evening to fly and I felt at peace knowing that I was going to a place that would be able to better handle my situation and take care of my baby with it's medical issues that would arise being born at 28 weeks. I was able to watch the sun set and stars come out all from the window of my "bird".

From this day forward, every time I saw or heard a helicopter, I say a quick little prayer asking for the safety of the crew and health of the passenger...that's a LOT of prayers because OSF has a very, very busy heli-pad!

Never had I been so joyful to be in a place of safety...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

And it begins...

So, the weekend of June 5th my hubby and I packed up and went to a very good friends wedding in Michigan. We were very excited to get away and we just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary two days ago, so it was a great excuse to get out of town! It was so good to be out and about and see people that I haven't seen for a long time. Everyone was touching my belly and asking about how I felt and my "plans". It was a great weekend! Another very good friend was there who is a momma of two and we were discussing many pregnancy topics. I was telling her about the "pressure" I was feeling, and she said "Just wait, it only gets worse!" My thoughts were how much worse, I still have three and half months to go...this baby isn't coming till September 13th!

So we trekked back to Illinois and recovered on Sunday. My back was bothering me all weekend and the previous week, but I figured that I over did it during the weekend and, hey, I'm a teacher, being on my feet all day and a big baby belly will do that to a girl. I was living with the heating pad.

I woke up Monday morning not feeling myself. Man was my back killing me. I went to work...it was the last week of the school year, I just needed to suck it up and get this week over with! I desperately wanted to leave work that day. My back was really killing me and I felt like crap, but I car pooled with another teacher so I would just wait out the day. I even changed my lesson plans from an outside activity to sitting in my classroom and watching a video.

At last, I was home on the couch with the heating pad. Comfort and relief...yeah right...so I went to bed to sleep it off. I woke up at 1:00 am with this horrific back pain and woke up my hubby too...who wakes up at 5:30 am for work...I went to the couch with my heating pad and did not sleep the rest of the night. I remember going to the bathroom and grabbing my "What to Expect" book to read about what could be going on. After all I was only 26 weeks pregnant and still had nerves about what "could" happen. I read the signs of pre-term labor and thought, not me, my back just really, really hurts. My belly was big, people thought I was having twins! But the back pain was now coming in waves and there was some spotting. I couldn't take it anymore, woke up my hubby and called the doctor. Wouldn't you know the doctor said he would meet me at the hospital.

So...our first trip to the ER at 5:00 am on Tuesday June 8th, 2010 at 26 weeks pregnant...eyes filled with tears, frightened and in pain..."I am NOT having this baby yet, it's not time! This is not what I planned! I never took the class and I am not at this part in the book!"

Yes, I was in what they called "pre-term" labor. I was put on awful drugs to stop labor, monitors, many ultrasounds, fluids, and drinking lots and lots of water. I was dilating and thinning. I couldn't stop crying. The doctor was talking about the survival of the baby if it were to come now. What? Survival? Scared to death, but a very calm husband. I just kept repeating to myself "I am not having this baby now."

I spent the next four days at the Ottawa hospital fighting off pre-term labor and fighting to keep my little bun in the oven. I was sent home on bed rest, with a monitor that monitored my contractions, and a pump that continuously gave me drugs to ward off labor. I spent the next two weeks on the couch watching lots of TV and reading trashy magazines...and staring out the window at the sunshine and the glistening blue water of our swimming pool.

What a great way to get to start summer vacation early...er, not really at all! Bed rest was a lot of hard work believe it or not, and makes your body have aches and pains in ways you would never think of.  But this is my job now, to keep this baby inside.

All the while, baby was doing just great, although breech...growing and growing and moving and hic-cuping amid all this chaos!

"Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind" Across the Universe, The Beatles

Weaning and Swimming, A Joyful Day

Today was a great day for our Jack! We have been going to the GI doctor every other week for about a month now...previously, we were going once a week, so this in itself was a big milestone for Jack. Today Jack weighed in at 16 lbs 4 oz, a gain of nearly 9 oz...and that's with fighting a GI bug and a cold! This puts him on the growth charts! He is in the fifth percentile, but his doctor said that most preemies don't even hit the growth chart until about 24 months.  Also, we are now starting to wean his continuous feeds! Since October, Jack has been continuously feed through a g-tube in his belly. We can now "unhook" him for an hour a day. This is a huge milestone as well! I can't wait to run around the house with him without an IV pole or his special backpack, even if it is for only an hour a day! This is a start, and things can only go up from here.
A recent pic of my little man who just started to sit up on his own to play with his toys!


A note to my little guy: Jack, I am beyond proud of you! You are such a little trooper and oblivious to all that is going on with you. Your sweet smile and contagious giggle makes all of the hard work worth it. You are one step closer to getting "all better"! I knew you could do it and I look forward to our next weight check!

And we started water babies today! It was a pain planning and getting ready and I thought to myself "This is a bad idea...I'm throwing in the towel...We're not going....This is too much work". We went from our doctor in Peoria to my parent's house in Peru where we had to eat, change the diaper twice, un-hook Jack, and get ready for swimming. It was a lot of work, but I am determined not to let Jack's condition stop him from being a "normal" baby. It was so great to walk into our swim class and see two other mom's that I know with their babies too! Jack loved the water and was very relaxed. He loved when I popped him out of the water and smiled hugely! I don't think he nor I wanted to get out of the pool! We got dried off, changed into jammies, re-hooked up and were on our way home! Daddy is going to come next week to take some pictures and video! Can't wait!
On our way to the Y for swim class.

"Joy is the feeling of grinning inside." Melba Colgrove

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

What I remember from pregnancy...Before pre-term labor started!

After walking the dog. 
I remember...
  • Eating lots of ice cream...Ben and Jerry's to be exact. Ottawa hospital would keep a pint in the fridge for me when I was admitted there!
  • Loving fruit...pineapple, melon, juice.
  • Pop-Tarts. OSF would toast them for me when I was admitted there!
  • Sleeping for the first three months. I was SO exhausted. I would get home from work, take a nap, and then be asleep for the night by 8:00!
  • Waking up one day from the first trimester fog and realizing that my grade book was in shambles!
  • Putting the dirty clothes right in the dryer, not the washer.
  • Forgetting to turn the crock pot on one morning.
  • Feeling really good...like forgetting that I was pregnant good.
  • Heartburn. I went through so many tums!
  • No Pizza or fried food for this pregnant lady.
  • Loving every second of being pregnant. 
  • Sweets...doughnut's from the local gas station, chocolate milk, scotch-a-roo's!
  • Laying in bed in the morning and watching my belly move.
  • Baby hiccups.
  • Reading "What to Expect" and seeing how big baby was each week.
  • Egg sandwich on the way to work with extra banana peppers, yum!
  • The first time daddy felt you move...it totally freaked him out, he jumped back in astonishment!
  • Mac and Cheese and all things dairy...I guess baby needed calcium!
  • Being excited to wear maternity clothes.
  • Not cooking, ever. And never being able to find anything good to eat.
  • Thinking "Why am I not puking my guts out?" and hoping everything was ok because I wasn't!
  • The dog loved to lay near me, and especially near my belly...more that usual, weird.
  • Loving the baby in my belly more and more each and every day.
  • Planning, and planning, and planning! Oh, how I love to plan!
  • Most importantly, LOVING being pregnant and day dreaming about labor and life with a new baby!
Loved this maternity outfit!
Thanks for the hand-me-down maternity clothes...you know who you are!

It was getting way hot out...this is one of the last "belly shots" I took before I started bed rest.


I'm sure that I will remember more as this journey continues, but this is a good start.